Read some where that writing down my thoughts will help me to know what is exactly going on in my mind. I will be able to channelise my thoughts and the processes. I have been writing for some time now...
aahan! not exactly some time. Used to write a lot when i was a kid, then slowly and slowly the other things in my life started taking their own space. Friends, relationships, movies, chatting, gossiping, bitching, shopping, trying on different makeups and hairstyles, looking into the mirror and wondering-- why God made me so bad to look at? why did not he made me beautiful? and lots and lots of questions about the past and the future. At last landing me into a situation where I am so confused and just want to run away from all these.
No m not an escapist, but want some peace.
I know, i know there must be a lot of me in this world, confused souls like me.
I don't like what I am doing (work), and the things I want to do are so impossible. Impossible-- because I have a family to answer to, because I have piled up my credit card balance and don't have enough funds, because people will think I am crazy to leave a job which pays me good no matter how frustrated I am in it.
I know my dreams but don't know from where to start chasing them?
I so wanted to be in Drama and acting, but never had a chance to try my hands on apart from school plays where i have been awarded as the 'Best Actress' quite many times. I was good at athletics, but never had any support nor any means to continue it. I used to compose poems, but English was/ is still not as good as to keep on writing. Have so much knowledge about fashion and have been designing some and stitching but dun know what to do with it.
No no, i am not a total Know It All kinds, but have tried my hands on anything and everything. I think the need of the situation made me do all those things or may be my interests. May be I am a very creative person and have been trying to put my creativity into something.
But here I am working in an IT firm, working late nights, not exploring much of my brain. Finishing task on time being the highest motivation, drawing a monthly salary, and then listing from my boss where all I went wrong. Oh God can you tell me, did i ever did something right???
Anyways, IT was never my cup of tea. I hate it to the core. My parents feel proud to announce that their daughter is an engineer. But I only know how bad my career sucks. I do my work with all the hard work and dedication. I give results. But I don't like what I am doing. I need freedom of my will. I want to explore the lenght and breath of my greys.
I am so damn confused.
And one thing I realised long time back -- that parents should never force their aspirations on their children. In fact they should try and encourage their children to try harder to achieve what they want to be in life. Because I have seen that the children who are let to choose their career make the most. Name, fame and there comes the Moolah.
No, its not about being famous, its actually about being happy within oneself. Its knowing what exactly you want. Its about the passion and the drive, the amount of kick that one gets when they are happy and following their dreams.
People like me land no where. For the world we put a fake smile, but when all alone we don't even know what is the reflection of our image and the longer you gaze at it, the more confused you are. You want to reverse time and start again from the point you went wrong.
Its too late!!! Have almost spent half of my life doing what i never wanted to do, and some in cribbing and pondering over it.
But....
wait a second!!! Its never too late to start off again, may be not from the point that we went wrong, but may be from this point when I know what i wanted.
Ya I know much of time have been wasted, but lets not waste the time left!
Lets gear up and start!
Lets help someone who wants to chase his/her dreams!!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Dead Letters!!!
'Written words are like dead letters'
They do not mean anything to anybody. They need to be heard, heard by someone they are meant for.
I am not a good writer. And I am tired of writing, but I still write to satiate my own self. The inner self who needs to be heard.
Here I am sitting alone at home with a feeling of numbness/ emptiness around. Feels like i am in a big 'Zero'. Yet I am content, coz it lets me think , re think and rewind and relive moments in my life.
Today, I was just passing time over the net and suddenly thought of visiting a school reunion site. While still going through all the people I came across during school time, I saw a link which guided me to a small space where I could write a few things about my favourite teaher.
And belive you me, without a blink I was there dedicating words of praise for the most wonderful and special teacher of my life (apart from my Mom).
He is the person who made me realise that a teacher could be a good friend too. A person who saw the hidden potentials in me, a person who inspired to imagine. A person who always gave and wanted the best out of his students. A person who loved the world of Imagination.
After writing a few lines a weired thought came across my mind. "What is the use after all?"
These words of praise are not worthy unless they reach the ears of the person they are meant for. I can write on and on and on.... hundreds and thousands of line for my teacher of lifetime, but Will he ever hear it??? Will those lines ever get into his ears???
May be not! But I know how happy he would have been to hear all those words of praise from me, the best student he ever had ( as he claimed to my juniors in school).
I know, he would have busted in his warm and magical smile and would have said "Thank You! Suhasini "( as he used to call me).
And I am here dedicating my thoughts and a few regrets to the Best Man!
This is one of my constant efforts to bring myself out of the guilt feeling that I have been nursuring all through. To stop cursing myself for being the biggest looser!!
Because I never looked back and said 'Thank You' , because I never made him realize that he meant so much to me and he shaped the person inside me.
Because I never cared enough to go and meet him. And spend a little time out of my Not So Busy Schedule.
Now its too late! And I do not want to believe what I heard about him. Somebody said that cancer took his life away. I hope its all rumour. Life cannot be that cruel to a beautiful person like him. I pray to God that in reality he should be living a happy life with his love and now his wife and their little Princess.
I hope that someday I will be able to say these words to him and he flashes his magical smile.
People say , you should return the favours, but I guess I will never be able to return his favours.
Three Cheers!!! to
The Most Wonderful Teacher , A Kind Man, A Great Friend --- Mr. R. Rajeevan, My English Teacher, K.V. Pasighat.
They do not mean anything to anybody. They need to be heard, heard by someone they are meant for.
I am not a good writer. And I am tired of writing, but I still write to satiate my own self. The inner self who needs to be heard.
Here I am sitting alone at home with a feeling of numbness/ emptiness around. Feels like i am in a big 'Zero'. Yet I am content, coz it lets me think , re think and rewind and relive moments in my life.
Today, I was just passing time over the net and suddenly thought of visiting a school reunion site. While still going through all the people I came across during school time, I saw a link which guided me to a small space where I could write a few things about my favourite teaher.
And belive you me, without a blink I was there dedicating words of praise for the most wonderful and special teacher of my life (apart from my Mom).
He is the person who made me realise that a teacher could be a good friend too. A person who saw the hidden potentials in me, a person who inspired to imagine. A person who always gave and wanted the best out of his students. A person who loved the world of Imagination.
After writing a few lines a weired thought came across my mind. "What is the use after all?"
These words of praise are not worthy unless they reach the ears of the person they are meant for. I can write on and on and on.... hundreds and thousands of line for my teacher of lifetime, but Will he ever hear it??? Will those lines ever get into his ears???
May be not! But I know how happy he would have been to hear all those words of praise from me, the best student he ever had ( as he claimed to my juniors in school).
I know, he would have busted in his warm and magical smile and would have said "Thank You! Suhasini "( as he used to call me).
And I am here dedicating my thoughts and a few regrets to the Best Man!
This is one of my constant efforts to bring myself out of the guilt feeling that I have been nursuring all through. To stop cursing myself for being the biggest looser!!
Because I never looked back and said 'Thank You' , because I never made him realize that he meant so much to me and he shaped the person inside me.
Because I never cared enough to go and meet him. And spend a little time out of my Not So Busy Schedule.
Now its too late! And I do not want to believe what I heard about him. Somebody said that cancer took his life away. I hope its all rumour. Life cannot be that cruel to a beautiful person like him. I pray to God that in reality he should be living a happy life with his love and now his wife and their little Princess.
I hope that someday I will be able to say these words to him and he flashes his magical smile.
People say , you should return the favours, but I guess I will never be able to return his favours.
Three Cheers!!! to
The Most Wonderful Teacher , A Kind Man, A Great Friend --- Mr. R. Rajeevan, My English Teacher, K.V. Pasighat.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Meeting and Parting!!!
"Meeting Causes Parting"
With beautiful memories of our past in our minds, tears on our cheeks and Good Bye on our lips.
We do say good bye to so many things in life, but still we hold close to our heart, those moments which are like precious pearls that we collect while sailing through life.
We laugh, we cry, we fight, we shout, we enjoy every moment that we spend, spend in a hell(as we initially think). But some people, we call our frens make it worthwhile and worth remembering.
Sometimes I wonder, how the worst phase of our life is the best phase of our life. How the moments that had broken us into pieces are the moments that actually made us strong. They taught us how to stand in life. They made us realize the strength that is inside us but we never explored or never knew they existed. And they gift us a few hidden trasures we call frens, frens forever.
Life goes on and on, and everyday we meet new people, but still our eyes search for those familiar faces, the faces that we know, the faces which are our life support system.
The people without whom we never dreamt of our tomorrows are not with us today. But life goes on.
And we need to learn to live among the strange faces till the day they become familiar and some of them turn out to be very good frens and life goes on..................
With beautiful memories of our past in our minds, tears on our cheeks and Good Bye on our lips.
We do say good bye to so many things in life, but still we hold close to our heart, those moments which are like precious pearls that we collect while sailing through life.
We laugh, we cry, we fight, we shout, we enjoy every moment that we spend, spend in a hell(as we initially think). But some people, we call our frens make it worthwhile and worth remembering.
Sometimes I wonder, how the worst phase of our life is the best phase of our life. How the moments that had broken us into pieces are the moments that actually made us strong. They taught us how to stand in life. They made us realize the strength that is inside us but we never explored or never knew they existed. And they gift us a few hidden trasures we call frens, frens forever.
Life goes on and on, and everyday we meet new people, but still our eyes search for those familiar faces, the faces that we know, the faces which are our life support system.
The people without whom we never dreamt of our tomorrows are not with us today. But life goes on.
And we need to learn to live among the strange faces till the day they become familiar and some of them turn out to be very good frens and life goes on..................
Friday, September 14, 2007
The Unknown
STOP!!!
I heard a voice,
A voice, I had never heard before.
But it seemed to be very close.
As if someone's calling from inside of Me.
And slowly in a timid voice
It said 'Turn back dear'
And I,
I obeyed it like I had no senses left
And before I could even think,
I saw a long passage
And I felt my eyes searching for something unknown.
Suddenly at some point in the passage,
I could hardly believe what i saw,
I felt the weakness in my knees
And could not even look into those eyes
Those eyes of a face
Just like mine.
But more happier, more confident.
The face smiled back at me and asked
"Do you know me?"
And pointing towards the passage, whose end was hardly visible
It said "You left me there
I am your soul
And To you 'The unknown'
I heard a voice,
A voice, I had never heard before.
But it seemed to be very close.
As if someone's calling from inside of Me.
And slowly in a timid voice
It said 'Turn back dear'
And I,
I obeyed it like I had no senses left
And before I could even think,
I saw a long passage
And I felt my eyes searching for something unknown.
Suddenly at some point in the passage,
I could hardly believe what i saw,
I felt the weakness in my knees
And could not even look into those eyes
Those eyes of a face
Just like mine.
But more happier, more confident.
The face smiled back at me and asked
"Do you know me?"
And pointing towards the passage, whose end was hardly visible
It said "You left me there
I am your soul
And To you 'The unknown'
Searching Soul
Some memories still linger in my soul
and I keep searching for you.
There are so many moments to die for
and I try living with it all!
It's not that I never tried!
But I failed whenever I tried.
I feel that hollow inside,
inside of me you still live
and I have so many things to keep.
No its not the promises we made.
As they have all gone fade
But the smiles, the laughter, the secrets, the care
and the moments spent in some different space
I want to keep them alive.
Because everyday they fill me with a new life
And that's why
you are never gone.
You still live within my soul!
Looking through the Window
Looking through the window,
Thinking that someday I would tell you
That I am holding my dreams onto you.
And I was waiting for you to know.
Hoping that someday you would come to me,
That 'One day' my dream would come true.
I am looking through my window
When the world is lost in its dreams.
Like the gentle breeze
Filled with the fragrance of the nightqueen,
Hoping You would come and say, that I am the only one..
And fill me with the fragrance of your love.
I kept waiting for you.
Somtimes wondering,
If you would really come?
I missed you every moment,
I missed you with every breath.
And the time just kept flying by.
Then, 'One Day',
They came and took my body away.
But I kept looking through the window
Waiting for you!
While my body was gently turning to ashes,
I was looking through the window.....
The night fell apart,
The breeze with the fragrance of nightqueen
Blew my ashes everywhere.
And I kept waiting there
Looking through the window,
Hoping that you would know!
Thinking that someday I would tell you
That I am holding my dreams onto you.
And I was waiting for you to know.
Hoping that someday you would come to me,
That 'One day' my dream would come true.
I am looking through my window
When the world is lost in its dreams.
Like the gentle breeze
Filled with the fragrance of the nightqueen,
Hoping You would come and say, that I am the only one..
And fill me with the fragrance of your love.
I kept waiting for you.
Somtimes wondering,
If you would really come?
I missed you every moment,
I missed you with every breath.
And the time just kept flying by.
Then, 'One Day',
They came and took my body away.
But I kept looking through the window
Waiting for you!
While my body was gently turning to ashes,
I was looking through the window.....
The night fell apart,
The breeze with the fragrance of nightqueen
Blew my ashes everywhere.
And I kept waiting there
Looking through the window,
Hoping that you would know!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Left Without A Choice
Life is a pretty good game and has no set rules. The one that seems to be the best trick today may turn out to be the worst tomorrow. And you never know when you were played over by life!
In a game there can be two things, either you ‘lose’ or you ’win’. But In life's game there is this possibility that you might have a single way or more, but at times all of them lead to 'No Win'. Any of the ways you choose you are the looser. You are Left without any choice other than letting go everything. Even the most cherished dreams. I too lost and won many things in life. But when I wanted to win I lost and fell on my face. And I am Happy about it!
"A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go."
Because it is destined to be like that. Now I won’t agree that ’Men is the master of his own destiny’. Coz when two people are together and when you want the other to be happy, you cannot force your destiny on the other.
What is this destiny that makes things happen? No matter how hurt we may be, but no one cares. And these things, that we lose in the course of our life are the ones which help us to carry on, but still we don't own them. Does everyone feel the same way when they lose a precious thing in life? Do they cry, they shout and listen to those emotional numbers that reminds them of the days they were happy being with that someone or something? Do they visit the same old places in search of the pieces of shattered dreams or recollect some more memories?
And all that I can answer is that we have lost nothing and no one left us. Coz the moments that we crave for today and the moments that we want to live again and again are still there in our mind and heart. So those moments are not lost, those feelings of being in love are not lost, those feeling of feeling special are not lost, those moments of owing something and feeling happy about it are not lost. Those moments of true bliss are not lost. And the entity that gave us those precious moments of life still lives in the moments that we crave for today. So I would never say that someone or something has left us, coz nobody actually has, coz they still live in our thoughts and in those special moments we shared.
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