Still Confused!!

Read some where that writing down my thoughts will help me to know what is exactly going on in my mind. I will be able to channelise my thoughts and the processes. I have been writing for some time now...
aahan! not exactly some time. Used to write a lot when i was a kid, then slowly and slowly the other things in my life started taking their own space. Friends, relationships, movies, chatting, gossiping, bitching, shopping, trying on different makeups and hairstyles, looking into the mirror and wondering-- why God made me so bad to look at? why did not he made me beautiful? and lots and lots of questions about the past and the future. At last landing me into a situation where I am so confused and just want to run away from all these.
No m not an escapist, but want some peace.

I know, i know there must be a lot of me in this world, confused souls like me.
I don't like what I am doing (work), and the things I want to do are so impossible. Impossible-- because I have a family to answer to, because I have piled up my credit card balance and don't have enough funds, because people will think I am crazy to leave a job which pays me good no matter how frustrated I am in it.
I know my dreams but don't know from where to start chasing them?

I so wanted to be in Drama and acting, but never had a chance to try my hands on apart from school plays where i have been awarded as the 'Best Actress' quite many times. I was good at athletics, but never had any support nor any means to continue it. I used to compose poems, but English was/ is still not as good as to keep on writing. Have so much knowledge about fashion and have been designing some and stitching but dun know what to do with it.

No no, i am not a total Know It All kinds, but have tried my hands on anything and everything. I think the need of the situation made me do all those things or may be my interests. May be I am a very creative person and have been trying to put my creativity into something.

But here I am working in an IT firm, working late nights, not exploring much of my brain. Finishing task on time being the highest motivation, drawing a monthly salary, and then listing from my boss where all I went wrong. Oh God can you tell me, did i ever did something right???

Anyways, IT was never my cup of tea. I hate it to the core. My parents feel proud to announce that their daughter is an engineer. But I only know how bad my career sucks. I do my work with all the hard work and dedication. I give results. But I don't like what I am doing. I need freedom of my will. I want to explore the lenght and breath of my greys.

I am so damn confused.

And one thing I realised long time back -- that parents should never force their aspirations on their children. In fact they should try and encourage their children to try harder to achieve what they want to be in life. Because I have seen that the children who are let to choose their career make the most. Name, fame and there comes the Moolah.
No, its not about being famous, its actually about being happy within oneself. Its knowing what exactly you want. Its about the passion and the drive, the amount of kick that one gets when they are happy and following their dreams.

People like me land no where. For the world we put a fake smile, but when all alone we don't even know what is the reflection of our image and the longer you gaze at it, the more confused you are. You want to reverse time and start again from the point you went wrong.
Its too late!!! Have almost spent half of my life doing what i never wanted to do, and some in cribbing and pondering over it.

But....
wait a second!!! Its never too late to start off again, may be not from the point that we went wrong, but may be from this point when I know what i wanted.
Ya I know much of time have been wasted, but lets not waste the time left!
Lets gear up and start!
Lets help someone who wants to chase his/her dreams!!

Dead Letters!!!

'Written words are like dead letters'

They do not mean anything to anybody. They need to be heard, heard by someone they are meant for.

I am not a good writer. And I am tired of writing, but I still write to satiate my own self. The inner self who needs to be heard.

Here I am sitting alone at home with a feeling of numbness/ emptiness around. Feels like i am in a big 'Zero'. Yet I am content, coz it lets me think , re think and rewind and relive moments in my life.

Today, I was just passing time over the net and suddenly thought of visiting a school reunion site. While still going through all the people I came across during school time, I saw a link which guided me to a small space where I could write a few things about my favourite teaher.

And belive you me, without a blink I was there dedicating words of praise for the most wonderful and special teacher of my life (apart from my Mom).

He is the person who made me realise that a teacher could be a good friend too. A person who saw the hidden potentials in me, a person who inspired to imagine. A person who always gave and wanted the best out of his students. A person who loved the world of Imagination.

After writing a few lines a weired thought came across my mind. "What is the use after all?"
These words of praise are not worthy unless they reach the ears of the person they are meant for. I can write on and on and on.... hundreds and thousands of line for my teacher of lifetime, but Will he ever hear it??? Will those lines ever get into his ears???

May be not! But I know how happy he would have been to hear all those words of praise from me, the best student he ever had ( as he claimed to my juniors in school).

I know, he would have busted in his warm and magical smile and would have said "Thank You! Suhasini "( as he used to call me).

And I am here dedicating my thoughts and a few regrets to the Best Man!
This is one of my constant efforts to bring myself out of the guilt feeling that I have been nursuring all through. To stop cursing myself for being the biggest looser!!

Because I never looked back and said 'Thank You' , because I never made him realize that he meant so much to me and he shaped the person inside me.
Because I never cared enough to go and meet him. And spend a little time out of my Not So Busy Schedule.

Now its too late! And I do not want to believe what I heard about him. Somebody said that cancer took his life away. I hope its all rumour. Life cannot be that cruel to a beautiful person like him. I pray to God that in reality he should be living a happy life with his love and now his wife and their little Princess.

I hope that someday I will be able to say these words to him and he flashes his magical smile.

People say , you should return the favours, but I guess I will never be able to return his favours.

Three Cheers!!! to
The Most Wonderful Teacher , A Kind Man, A Great Friend --- Mr. R. Rajeevan, My English Teacher, K.V. Pasighat.